5 Tips for Tackling Disagreements in Relationships
*Identifying information has been altered to protect the anonymity of my clients.
My phone starts buzzing. Using one hand to block the sun, I see that it’s my Google Voice, the number I use exclusively for my therapy clients. It’s a Sunday morning, so I know this particular couple is likely doing their weekly Target run—a weekly ritual that typically sparks a fight starting with what they do or do not need, inevitably tracing back to one of the perpetual problems they face. I move into the house so that I am out of my neighbors’ earshot and take the call.
Before you ask, yes, I have boundaries. I also maintain a proper work/life balance (…most of the time). My clients know that when they call me outside of their regularly scheduled session and it’s not an emergency, there is a good chance I may not be available to pick up the phone. But when I’m able to, I’m happy to listen in—especially when we’re first beginning to work together.
After developing rapport with my clients, I often encourage high-conflict couples to reach out to me when one of their fights is brewing. Eventually, they’ll need to manage conflicts themselves, but using this strategy early on allows me to observe their interactions in real time. Of course, the partners are affected by my presence, but it’s a lot better than the edited version I may get days later when emotions have been filtered. It gives me a direct window into their process and go-to tactics.
While each couple and the issues they face are unique, there are some patterns I have noticed by listening to real couples having real disagreements in real time. My hope is that by identifying and sharing these, you and your partner may be able to avoid the pitfalls and alter your approach to communication.
Here are some takeaways to keep in mind as you and your partner tackle disagreements of your own.
01. Listen to how you communicate.
Focusing on how you communicate with your partner is extremely important. Pay special attention to your own communication habits, as self-awareness is key when it comes to creating change. Is your communication direct, passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive? Do you listen to one another with compassion and validate your partner’s thoughts and emotions, or are you simply trying to argue your point(s)? Do you take the time to actively listen to one another, or do you interrupt one another? Are you teammates or adversaries?
Understanding the way you communicate may shed light on what leads to or exacerbates your disagreements.
02. Don’t get caught up in the content.
When unpacking a disagreement, it is important not to get lost in the content or details. Go beyond who said what to focus on the internal experiences that each of you had during the fight. What emotions came up for you? How did the disagreement make you feel? People often tend to focus on who said what, rather than the process.
The process reveals not only how you both feel, but deeper truths about your connection.
03. Be open to fully surrounding an issue.
While you may first approach therapy (or your own relationship exploration) with the view that communication is the only issue you are dealing with, be open to exploring other possible causes of strife. Communication may be a symptom of another underlying challenge.
That being said, even when you are focusing on a deeper issue, it is important to work on communication and develop a toolkit so that you and your partner can interrupt the negative cycle, cope with your emotions, and respond to one another in a caring and compassionate manner.
04. Find a clinician who is open to in vivo work.
In vivo simply means “in real life.” If this approach—like the example in my story—is up your alley, you may want to find out if this is something that your clinician offers or is willing to try.
If not to this extent, many therapists will use interventions such as bringing up hot-button topics during the course of the therapy session in order to get a clear picture of how you and your partner communicate. This is called an enactment, in which your clinician will examine your interactions and highlight problematic patterns in real time. While challenging, this approach can provide you and your partner with new insights and can be used to strengthen your connection.
05. Allow for a shift from therapist to couple.
If you are able to find a clinician who examines your disagreements in vivo, it is imperative that you not rely on that therapist every time you have a fight. If the therapist remains in charge of monitoring your communication and pointing out where things go awry, it robs you both of the opportunity of taking on this task and will prevent progress. Eventually, there must be a shift in responsibility from therapist to couple.
This approach isn’t for all clients, or all clinicians, for that matter. However, it does provide another level of understanding when it comes to the way partners relate to one another. Learning about harmful communication tactics and pin-pointing the reasons for using them can better position couples to create solutions and shared understanding.
