When She Knew: He Put the “Gentle” in Gentleman
I saw my date before he saw me. He was wearing a driving cap and crossing the street toward the coffee shop, a spring in his step. Meanwhile, I was white-knuckling the steering wheel and trying to breathe deeply.
First dates didn’t used to be terrifying. But this was my first time back in the dating game after a broken engagement, and I was a mess.
After greeting me, my date suggested we take a walk with our coffee. (We later laughed that I looked like I was going to bolt, so he wisely didn’t try to trap me at a table!)
Eight hours later—with a break for dinner—we were taking one final walk around downtown. He was telling a story about his brothers. I remember staring happily across the street at a historic house and thinking that I didn’t want this to end. At the same time, I had a surreal sense that it wouldn’t. This interesting, fascinating man (who also had a broken engagement in his past) already did not seem like the kind of man who would leave me guessing.
As we began dating, I realized I had a lot to process from my last relationship. I had baggage. Due to a bout of Covid, our second date was postponed, and while he was quarantined, we started talking on the phone. A lot.
On our rescheduled second date, I showed him one of my favorite park trails. We scrambled out onto a rock overlook. We were having a serious conversation about past relationships. I was processing and miserable. I sat on the rock, chewing my lip and hugging my knees as we talked. As rain spattered down on us, I started shivering. He very gently asked if he could put his arm around me.
His respect for me as a person helped me learn to trust him. Later that same day we talked about our relationship over dinner. He told me he thought he was falling in love with me. I opened my mouth to respond and froze.
Until that day, I hadn’t realized how the word “love” had been weaponized in my past relationship. It had been questioned, doubted, and invoked. Did I love? How could I love? Why would I do ___ if I really loved?
Frozen though I was, I understood enough about triggers to realize my response was irrational. That the simple declaration of love had set me off. I fought back tears as I grasped for a way to answer. That word in that phrase . . . it brought back hard memories. Frustration warred with hurt as I searched for words. This sweet, kind man realized something was wrong.
“I really, really, really like you!” I reassured him. “I want to kiss you! I just . . . I just can’t say that word yet. I’m so sorry!”
He looked thoughtful. I had a sinking feeling. Had I just ruined everything? Maybe I wasn’t ready to date after all. But I didn’t want to lose him. Already, he mattered. What he was going to say next mattered.
In his gentleness, he said he thought he understood why I couldn’t say it. Did it hurt me if he still said it to me? He could wait, if I needed more time. But those words and that consideration were enough. Because he was willing to wait, I realized I was ready to hear those words. He could tell me he was falling in love. I wasn’t ready to say that just yet . . . though I did kiss him goodnight.
What followed was a whirlwind romance. Before long, I was able to say with true conviction and without hurt, “I love you!” When I look back, I can see that in those early dates, his patience, gentle respect, and love were what won me over.
When did I know? I don’t quite know. Maybe on our first date, when we found enough to say to fill eight hours. Maybe on our second date, when he showed he loved me enough to respect my boundaries. By our third date, which was a weekend, I wasn’t scandalized when he said he thought he’d like to marry me. He asked me at the end of that weekend . . . and I knew. I said yes.
Editor’s note: When She Knew is a way for women to share stories of the simple (or not-so-simple) ways they knew they had met the man they wanted to marry. If you’d like to share your story, review our Readers Write guidelines here.
