Going Natural: Conquering the Big Chop
When I was twenty-six years old, I cut off all my hair and essentially went bald. No more manipulating my texture to be something it was clearly never meant to be. No more putting harmful chemicals on it to change the texture. Instead, I wanted to learn to embrace myself for who I really was, for what I truly looked like.
For context, my hair was relaxed before I cut it all off. Relaxed hair, which is chemically altered from afro to straight, is very popular in the Black community. At sixteen, I received one of these relaxers without much education on them. I was told that relaxed, or straightened, hair would be much easier to manage than my natural afro puff. My mother’s hair is relaxed, and I always thought it was so pretty. Getting a relaxer felt like a rite of passage.
But there’s an unspoken inference that straight hair is more desirable than afro hair. As a Black woman, this partly resonates with me and also makes me sad. I wish Black hair was embraced more fully, and yet when my hair was relaxed, I felt prettier than when it was natural.
On YouTube, you can find many African-American girls either showing themselves with or giving themselves what is called the “Big Chop.” The Big Chop is just like it sounds: cutting off one’s hair. It happens for a variety of reasons. Mine was an impulsive decision. It was also a long time coming.
I was totally afraid of what others would think of my natural hair. Would people still find me attractive? Would people treat me differently based on my new hair texture? I didn’t see a lot of women in my community with their natural hair, so I hadn’t been conditioned to think it was beautiful. I definitely didn’t want to feel like the odd woman out. When I went to the salon and my hairdresser asked if I was sure, I offered a confident yet shy yes.
I was over my chemically straightened hair. I hated the nearly two-hour process of washing and straightening my hair every week. I was done taming each strand of hair in the morning to make sure it stayed in place. My scalp was screaming, “Straight hair is clearly not the texture I was made for!” I was tired of manipulating my hair to be something it was not meant to be—all for the sake of perceived ease and idyllic beauty.
I cut my relaxer off so I could start over. The main setback with a relaxer treatment is that if a woman wants to revert to her natural texture, she must cut the entire relaxer out, meaning she will end up with a short cut. There is another route, but I understand it to be more complicated. a. No matter which route you take, the Big Chop is intimidating.
After my Big Chop, my hair changed into a short afro. Did it take a while for me to embrace this? Yes. Was I nervous nearly every time I went out in public? Sadly, yes. It was nerve wracking to go out in public; I was afraid of people’s reactions (though nothing ever happened). And now that my hair has grown out more, my anxieties have eased a bit.
I am grateful for the experience of having next-to-no hair. It helped me realize that the way I valued myself depended a little too heavily on my outward appearance. I had to relearn how to see myself no matter what I looked like physically and whether or not I saw a lot of myself in my greater community. I had to reteach myself that my looks did not determine my value. Really, it was a lesson on the acceptance of my whole self.
I feel much freer now. I am glad to be at this place because I know that I have conquered something that scared me. I can look back and say the risky decision was worth it.
Maybe hearing my story will be enough for someone else. I hope that sharing my story will help someone out there to learn to love herself a little more whole-heartedly today.
