The Reality Behind Billie Eilish’s ‘Male Fantasy’ and Porn Critique

Have you heard Billie Eilish’s comments on porn this week? The Grammy-winning singer-songwriter’s words shared on the Howard Stern Show instantaneously became highly clicked headlines across the web. Does it really matter what a 19-year-old popstar has to say about sexually explicit content? Well, it should when her comments are as empirically spot on as they are, because what Eilish expressed are not just her hunches or personal opinions, but scientifically established facts borne out in research. And they should open some folks’ eyes about the real-life consequences of porn consumption.

What exactly did Eilish say about pornography?

First, let’s start with what prompted Howard Stern to ask Eilish about porn. The impetus was a song on Eilish’s album Happier Than Ever called “Male Fantasy,” which she cowrote with her brother Finneas, like much of her music. Billie debuted her self-directed music video for “Male Fantasy” days before performing it on Saturday Night Live, all at once amplifying, in her hushed voice, a verse on the topic of porn:

“home alone / trying not to eat / distract myself with pornography / i hate the way she looks at me / i can’t stand the dialogue / she would never be / that satisfied, it’s a male fantasy / i’m going back to therapy.”

When Howard Stern asked her about the song, she explained how it came to be after a songwriting sesh in which she commented to her brother about how “weird” porn was. That conversation led to them including the verse in a song that became the last song of the album.

“I thought about how weird porn is, and we were just joking about how weird it is,” Eilish said. “You know, that it’s so normal in the world, and it’s so f—ing weird and it makes you feel horrible kind of to watch at all.”

Eilish continued, “As a woman, I think is porn is a disgrace. And I used to watch a lot of porn. I started watching porn when I was like 11. . . . I didn’t understand why it was a bad thing. I thought that was how you learn how to have sex.” Not only did she watch porn in private, she would publicly admit it; “I was an advocate and I thought I was ‘one of the guys’” to talk so openly about it, she said.

By 14, Eilish said, “I was watching abusive porn. . . . I think it really destroyed my brain. And [now] I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much porn. I think that I have sleep paralysis and night terrors/nightmares because of it.”

Eilish also shared that her porn exposure led to her having unhealthy attitudes about sex that didn’t help when she attempted actual relationships later. “It got to a point where I couldn’t watch anything else . . . unless it was violent, I didn’t think it was attractive. And I was a virgin; I hadn’t done anything, and so it led to problems.”

“The first few times I had sex I was not saying no to things that were not good . . . because I thought that that’s what I was supposed to be attracted to.” That’s Eilish employing a double negative—or triple?—to explain that her first sexual encounters were quite negatively affected by the perceptions of sex she learned in porn. “I’m so angry that porn is so loved,” she said. “And I’m so angry at myself for thinking that it was okay.”

Beyond her own experience, Eilish is concerned about what this means for modern relationships. That, thanks to violence in porn, “if you’re not interested in being getting thrown around during sex, if you’re not interested in being slapped and being chocked, people are like ‘you’re vanilla, you’re soft, you’re boring in bed; you’re not a freak.’ . . . Women are like ‘oh, I have to like being hurt to be thought of as good in bed.’”

Further, Eilish said, “because in porn, there’s no consent, there’s such a huge problem of consent during sex,” Eilish says, since porn doesn’t depict people asking “can I do this” before making sexual advances “but it’s really important.”

Finally, Eilish says, porn is quite different from reality: “women’s bodies don’t look like that; we don’t . . . enjoy things that it looks like people are enjoying. And it’s how many people think that they’re supposed to learn, it’s how so many men think that they’re supposed to be.”

Billie’s brother Finneas piped in, saying it’s really easy to be exposed to “hardcore pornography when you’re young because . . . every kid has access to the internet on their iPad . . . or their parent’s laptop when their parents are out of the room . . . and safe search isn’t really very protective.” Further, he says, violent-porn behaviors like choking and slapping “are all TikTok trends.” Even though TikTok is used like a “kids app,” Finneas said, it “is so hypersexualized, it’s nuts.”

Seeing this sexually explicit content on TikTok, Eilish says, has “really brought out trauma that I’ve had sexually. Because I have been so hyperaware lately” due to “self-examining in the past year” with therapy and healthy relationships.

Porn fantasy vs. reality

What makes Billie’s comments so stunning is that they are off-the-cuff admissions of the dangers of early and frequent porn exposure and its distorting effects on perceptions of sex and relationships. Here are just a few of their words that are borne out in research.

“I started watching porn when I was like 11 . . .”

Research has shown that most people’s first exposure to pornography is at ages as young as 10-12. In addition, despite porn being considered mostly of interest of men, a growing number of women are watching porn.

“I was watching abusive porn . . .”

Research shows that most imagery in online pornography depicts aggression against women. Further, a lot of real-life abuse is happening in the production of porn.

“ . . . it really destroyed my brain”

The dopamine-inducing experience that comes with watching porn and climaxing to its imagery does wire one’s brain to associate selfish, abusive, and unhealthy sexual activities with pleasure.

“It got to a point where I couldn’t watch anything else . . . unless it was violent, I didn’t think it was attractive.”

If porn use becomes compulsive or addictive, consumers often feel the need for more explicit material to reach the same level of satisfaction they previously had.

“. . . it led to problems.”

Regular porn users report having trouble in real-life relationships, both in the bedroom and in healthy communication. Pornography use is also increasingly cited in reasons for divorce, revealing a correlation with relationship decay. Conversely, less exposure to porn can help couples achieve greater intimacy.

"self-examining" helps

Everyone can reduce their consumption of sexualized content. And it’s a very good idea to reduce our sexualized media carbon footprint in a world rife with sexual abuses.

Partners can talk about the impact of porn in their relationships, share how it makes them feel, and make changes to improve their relationship intimacy by stopping their reliance on porn. People who want to stop watching porn but find it hard to stop can get help through 12-step programs like Sexaholics Anonymous or Sex Addicts Anonymous or by contacting a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT).

Billie Eilish may have been an unsuspecting voice, and Howard Stern’s show an unlikely setting, but suffice it to say, the message is timely and legit food for thought for many.