Please don’t be offended, but sometimes I dread going to parties heavily populated with the happily coupled. I know that your comments are well-intentioned, that you are trying to make conversation, and that being in my shoes once yourself means you probably have some pretty good advice for me—but sometimes the things you say are just begging for a snarky comeback. Do my single brethren and me a favor, and avoid these comments that make me grit my teeth.
01. “ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE?”
Yes, I am seeing someone, I just like to spend my Saturday nights at cocktail parties alone. Yeah, bet you're wishing you didn’t ask that question now. You see, this question has a fifty-fifty chance of success—maybe you'll hear a nice meet-cute story, but it's just as likely that you won't. Instead of satisfying your curiosity, ask me about my job, travel, family, or hobbies. If you are a good enough sleuth, you will be able to read between the lines to deduce whether I’m datingsomeone. Avoiding this question doesn’t mean you and I will have nothing to talk about, but it will keep you from perpetrating any of the following blunders.
02. “ENJOY YOUR SINGLE YEARS; YOU WILL NEVER GET THEM BACK.”
While this might seem like very sage advice from someone who has been-there-done-that, I can assure you that I am thinking something snarky along the lines of, “Thank God.”
You have been in my shoes, I get it, so you should know that, for all the perks of single life (and there are many), I have done plenty of savoring and would rather be done with it already. And let’s be honest, if you’re happily in a relationship, you wouldn’t go back there either. So cut the "you have it so good" crap, and be my wing-woman next time we are out.
03. “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU ARE STILL SINGLE.”
It probably does mystify you that throngs of good men are not banging down my door—I can tell you, it mystifies the hell out of me! But you should be aware that audibly pondering this mystery is rarely a welcome course of conversation. Other than a Bridget Jones comeback (“I guess it doesn’t help that underneath my clothes I’m really covered in scales!”), this is only going to get weird. You see, I have likely thought about this a bit more thanyou and would rather not offer my personal life up to your well-intentioned dissection. Remove eye from magnifying glass and look out for possible candidates.
04. “YOU NEED TO PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE MORE.”
Should I wear a sign? You know just as well as I do that meeting your future husband has nothing to do with the fact that you went out every single night for 10 years straight. But more to the point, I would rather not conduct my social life as one big hunt to find Mr. Right. If you feel the need to offer advice, tell me where you go to get your hair done, I could use a haircut.
05. “WHAT’S WRONG WITH MEN THESE DAYS?”
Trust me, I know there are guys out there who act like they were raised by a rock, but I like to think I have more humility than to assume my single status is a result of the general dysfunction of the entire male sex. Help me toward a more positive and hopeful outlook by notasking me this depressing question. There are great guys out there who are trying to do things right, and whether they are pursuing me or not, I can point to several men in my own life that fit that description. All is not lost.
06. “HAVE YOU TRIED ONLINE DATING?”
Hate to break it to you, but you are not the first person to ask me this question. Actually, you are probably the trillionth person to recommend that I take the magical online dating pill, but let me tell you, it does not necessarily work that way. Yes, a lot of people meet the love of their life online, but more people still meet their future spouses through mutual friends. So instead of opening your eyes to the magical yenta that is online dating, have a house party… and invite me.
07. “IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.”
This is by far the most frustrating thing someone can say to me. Trust me, I have gone on enough dates and been through enough breakups to ensure that I will be thoroughly surprised when I finally meet someone I can make it work with. Better to just apologize for asking the annoying, “Are you seeing anyone?” question and move on to something else.