The Bachelorette: Well, That Escalated Quickly

We’re watching The Bachelorette so that you don’t have to.
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Monica Gabriel Marshall
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We’re watching The Bachelorette so that you don’t have to.

This year, weve decided to follow along with all of The Bachelorette action. Say what you will about the show, but there are lessons to be learned from it (even if just what not to do), and well be watching to see just what they are.

Last episode was all about the man drama, the instigators being Chad and his house full of haters. They were angsting about the mounds of deli meat he was eating, and they were whispering in corners about his brown-nosing. I advised the guys to drop Chad and focus on the girl, but did they listen? I'll give you a wild guess. 

Here is what went down on the third episode of The Bachelorette.

Did we really need a security guard? 

Needless to say, things escalated pretty quickly with Chad and The Bachelorette Boys. One minute they were all on stage sharing their most embarrassing sex stories (yeah, we will get to that later) and the next, Evan's shirt is stretched (there was an ominous ripping sound) by Chad, and Chad punches a door. The next thing we know there is a very kindly looking security guard watching Chad as he pumps iron and while he sleeps.  

The odd thing about all this is that when Evan pulls host Chris Harrison aside to let him know that the guys don't feel safe and that there has been some threatening gestures—Chris Harrison seems surprised and concerned. So, viewers are left with the question: who hired the security guard? 

Now, I am not condoning Chad's crazy jerk behavior, but it seems clear to everyone that Chad struggles with a personality problem. Let's leave the guy alone and stop provoking him. From the way tonight's episode went down—and by the looks of the previews for tomorrow's bonus episode—we are about to witness Chad being forced to walk the plank. 

I don't know about JoJo, but I am pretty turned off by all the mutiny and tattle-tailing. I only pray that the guys dispatch of Chad swiftly tomorrow so we can get on with the dates. 

Talk about forcing the hypersexual stuff. 

The group date in this episode was a nightmare—on so many levels. We are three episodes in, and JoJo takes 12 men to what appeared to be standup comedy meets The Vagina Monologues. The terror on these poor men's faces as they sat down in the theater matched my own. It began with a woman faking an orgasm and then proceeding to tell the story of her first time. Then the men were told that they had 45 minutes to prepare their own story of a sexual encounter and share it with JoJo and the audience of women. 

Can I just say, that if this was The Bachelor this date disaster would never have happened! Can you imagine the Twitter beating The Bachelor would receive if he asked a group of women to go into explicit detail about a sexual encounter in front of a crowd of men?

And then there is the other glaring problem with this date: JoJo explained that she picked this date because she thought it was important to communicate about sex in a relationship. But did she really think that hearing the excruciatingly awkward and graphic retelling of her boyfriends' sexual exploits was "communicating about sex?"

Yes, communicating about sex is an important relationship skill, but I would advise that it's best practiced in the context of commitment, privacy, and with maturity and respect. 

Honestly, Chad handles this nightmare date the best. He understandably didn't want to share this personal information with the crowd, so he attempted to play the sweet and sincere card. But yeah...that never seems to go down the way I'm sure he plays it out in his head. Cue angry mic drop.

But wait, if you think that is the last of the awkward sexy stuff, you would be mistaken. JoJo also arranged a steamy date with Chase (you know, the cute one who arranged the wintery date last episode?). Both Chase and JoJo were newbies to hot yoga...which would explain why they found themselves wandering into a one-on-one couples yoga for intimacy class. "How long have you been intimate?" the instructor, Hemalyaya, asks Chase and JoJo...ahhh, now they get a better idea of what they just signed up for. 

Don't worry, it gets much worse—complete with the camera zooming in on the instructor's kegel stretch instruction. And still worse! Chase and JoJo get into an intimate yoga pose and start making out all sweaty and stuff. Maybe it was all flirtation and fireworks for JoJo and Chase, but we can never un-see that.

Then we see (gasp!) an actual date.

James T. (the guy who writes music and plays guitar) and our bachelorette go swing dancing and have some semblance of a real date. There was no rushed intimacy (cough, cough, couples yoga), as they goofed around. It was really cute to see how awkward they were together at first; JoJo didn't pull her usual overly familiar couples' embrace, and it was refreshing to see them laugh and step on each other's toes a bit. 

Swing is a category of dance that is pretty low on the sexy scale, and this gave them space to get to know one another without the pretense of sexy moves and low lighting. 

James T. opened up to JoJo about his insecurity within the course of conversation, which was a refreshing shift from the plop-down-on-the-coach-and-drop-a-personal-bomb-before-the-date-is-done approach. 

I don't know, it just seemed like JoJo and James T. were really connecting, that is, getting to know one another. So by the time the goodnight kiss happened, it actually felt natural for once. Nice work, James T. You have successfully suspended this The Bachelorette cynic's disbelief. 

Red Roses, Red Flags.

No rose ceremony tonight. Instead it's a pool party tomorrow, which promises to be a disaster thanks to Chad and his antagonizers. 

But before I leave you, I do want to call your attention back to that steamy couples yoga class. If you cracked an eye open during this intimate yoga mat moment, you saw that the majority of JoJo's date with Chase was spent holding one another and kissing. In truth, there was really not much that was relationship-building on this date. Sure, most of us know better than to sign up for couples yoga on a second date. But how many times do we move from chitter chatter to steamy make outs before we even know how many siblings they have? What their middle name is? Too many times I've seen friends rush into the physical and end up confusing their real feelings—and it looks like Chase and JoJo are headed in that direction, especially with 16 other men in the picture.

Classes like this are intended for couples that already have established intimacy—not first (or second) dates. All this sweaty make out sesh is going to do for Chase and JoJo is confuse them—and maybe extend the time JoJo spends perseverating over her future with Chase. 

Chase and JoJo's example here reminds us not to be fooled by the false sense of intimacy created by premature physical touch. Instead, hold out for quality conversations and signs that you two can have fun together—without having to make out. 

Luckily, we don't have to wait long to find out whether Chad will leave the show willingly or put up a fight—tomorrow is the pool party and rose ceremony. "May the odds be ever in your favor (unless you're Chad)." 

Photo Credit: ABC