It’s Time to Start Valuing What Your Heart Needs More Than What It Wants

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moving-on-after-breakup

Art Credit: Hedda Selder

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are known (amongst other things) for their on-again-off-again relationship. But it seems that their most recent rift is hitting Selena hard. In her performance of "The Heart Wants What it Wants" at this year's American Music Awards, the teen pop sensation poured her heart out on the stage, singing depressing lyrics like "I'm not alive until you call" and "You've got me scattered in pieces." Yikes. Sounds like it's time to move on, Sel.

Don't get me wrong: I do feel bad for Selena. Breakups can be extremely difficult and, understandably, can cause a lot of pain. But there comes a time when you need to make a decision. Either move forward or get stuck in the past where "every second's like torture." Hmmmm, tough call.

Easy for me to say, right? I’m a happily married woman. But looking back to my past, I can definitely relate.

I was once in a relationship with someone who I was convinced was The One. He ended it very suddenly and completely out-of-the-blue. I was devastated. I found myself constantly hoping he would call and apologize for ever ending things.

When he finally did call, I decided not to take it. I realized I would need way more than a phone call to undo the damage that had been done to my heart. If he hurt me this badly once, there’s a good chance he’ll do it again, even if it’s not his intention. Marriage is built on love, trust, and sacrifice. Would this guy really be able to selflessly give of himself to me in a lifelong commitment? Would he be able to love me unconditionally in good times and bad? These are tough questions, but important ones to ask when considering a future spouse. When I asked them of myself, I discovered that he wasn’t the right one for me. Once I let go of him, I felt a huge sense of relief.

However, every person is different and each situation unique. There are times when, all things considered, someone should get a second chance. But this should only happen after careful consideration.

The truth is, most of us have been there before. Hurt and confused. Trying to figure out what went wrong. It's so easy to turn a blind eye to the other person's faults and only think back fondly on all the good things about a relationship, especially when you thought the other person was the one you were going to marry.

But the fact of the matter is, you probably broke up for a good reason. It might stink to dwell on that, but unless there was a fundamental change to the things that broke you up, simply not dating will not have fixed it.

It may take time to get over him, but if you keep holding on, you are only making yourself miserable. Worse still, constantly wishing that maybe he'll come back could blind you to someone who's right in front of you.

And this doesn't just apply to broken relationships. It is equally unhealthy to hang on to the hope of someone you are just "hanging out with." We all know how it goes, “But he's so cute! And sometimes he seems interested!” Maybe he even kissed you! He must like you, right?! Do yourself a favor. Let him go. Let him goooo. Don't let him hold you back anymooooore! (Insert Frozen music and do a little dance of freedom.)

Here's the truth: A man who is seriously interested in you is not going to waste any time letting the world know you are his. So don't waste your time mentally settling for less.

I am living proof! Had I held onto men from my past, I would have never met my husband and he is a hundred times better suited for me than any other man I had trouble relinquishing. So don’t get caught up on “The One” you used to date and make yourself emotionally available for The Right One. Yeah, maybe the heart wants what it wants. But it's time to heed what it needs.